a terrible painter, a dreamer, a rebel , a feminist and a self certified bisexual Witch. Who is always trying to visualize whats on the other side of the canvas she paints,just another human- Living alive Life. Now also a green tea addict.

Saturday, 31 December 2016

Midnight Ramble

As I settle on the cozy bed, I can see and sense, some of us are preparing bottles to pop up at the stroke of midnight, some are just waiting for an eventful year to just get over. My virtual friends are making a Year Review Video on Facebook, my best friends are with their lovers and dear ones sharing photographs on Instagram, my fandom reader friends are drunk on nerdiness. For a human who is more alive on her virtual space, the world is a view through her Instagram page, a whisper within 140 characters on twitter, an emotion disguised in a status update, sadness the reaction button. All these virtual actions are fictional in the rational eyes, they are not touchable or kissable. Yet they exist, they exist on the other side of the screen.

I woke up from a siesta dream today, in it, I was cooped in a room, everything was Blue and White but nothing is alive. Everything typed on the virtual screen was getting erased, every photograph I uploaded were getting whitewashed, every status update lost, every film I watched forgotten. The web of that reality was being un-knit. In midst of it, I sat alone, curled cold crying.

But I woke up, to see my blanket on the floor, my socks were gone and window letting the wind play with my toe. Half a year of reading random books, watching even weirder movies, talking absolutely rubbish things, making new friends, the urge to be virtually present, walking alone on the old paths of a new city and a constant question of what next, had lead me to dream this weird dream.

2016 was a year of ups and down, many moments of hopelessness and anxiety for future. Sarah Anderson has been the most vocal artist about her 2016 experience, various sites are sharing their 2016 experience, yet all are tangled up in what next. Fifteen minutes to a year and I too wonder what's next in store!

But right now winter is curled beside my feet, I am home and the tomorrow will be another day, yet today won’t be this day. Tonight, I am real and gleefully virtual as I scroll the notification, listen to crackers awaiting the new year, tonight I have no beer, no friends beside me, but this is how all my ‘last day’ of the year has been. I am curled beside my Mom, a grumpy cat, and lovely dog. Tonight we sleep a peaceful dream. Even my dreams a real.      

P.S- A Happy New Year to all my virtual friends.

thanking you for bearing with me

Tuesday, 13 December 2016

Unrequited? Nah, I am Bhaizoned!

[Another Bloagathon! This is for Women's Web Finding Mr. Right Stories competition in tie up with the Woo App]

Love has been a constant in this blogger’s life, I have always been in love with the idea of love. Fueled by Mills and Boons initially, I always wanted a Tall, Dark, Handsome lover, well I was fifteen when I read my first Mills and Boon, the shift to Tall, Fair, Handsome Vampire happened quickly at sixteen, and I wanted a blood sucking creature for my husband. While Elizabeth Bennet said yes to Darcy, I sighed and imagined myself in her gowns and laces! Oh, how much I love those silly novels by lady novelist and how much I waste my monthly allowance on them! 

The Twilight hangover had made a racist out of me and I would hanker after any cute fair guy with decent height! It was always the lips of the guys that caught my eyes first. By the time, I reached enlightened eighteen my eyes searched for Jang Keun Suk alike, Suk is the perfect blend of husky voice, a man with effeminate charms and adorable smile! Alas, prince JKS was in South Korea and his die-hard lover in Assam! 

One moment Tattooed guys with crazy hair did a number on my head, and my phone was filled with pictures of tattooed guys, Johnny Depp has to be blamed for that. I have always believed in love at first sight, that kaboom moment when everything stops and drums roll in the back of your head. The first sight thing is almost a myth and whenever some cute male human takes interest in me, they soon realise my music taste is awful, as I can hardly distinguish between Cold Play and Green Day and the kaboom effect whimpers away! 

But dear readers, I never gave up hope! After twenty-one years of living with my parents, I joined a University far away from them, for my post-graduation. My dad hated that University, not because of location but because of its reputation of being a lover’s paradise and he feared I would marry an unemployed artist and live in a hut! Yet, every paradise has its own sort of idiots destined to be single, I was one of them.

Dad was right I did fall in love, yet remained single none the less, this love was not the Mills and Boons lightning bolt, or Twilight’s famous Apple Scene or Elizabeth Bennet asking Darcy for dance, nope this is slow arsenic poisoning. The male human I fell in love with was totally opposite of the creatures I chased after! Fair, Tall, Effeminate, Clean-shaved was my type or I thought so until I figured the poison had killed me.

I joined my masters late by a month, due to some miscommunication on my part, I stumbled nervous, tired and scared to my first class! My fellow classmates were so welcoming and helpful I was becoming my jolly self in hours and cracking jokes. And there entered the greatest love of my life, but wait his first sight did not invoke love, it was fear!

 Here was this decently tall, dusky, broad-shouldered and the bearded guy entered the class. Something about him reeked ‘not your regular guy’. I was still unaware that my University was a champion of beards. This bear like creature walks in forty-five minutes late to an hour-long class and gives a smile to our professor and I assumed he was one of those rogue university kids who didn’t study and were part of student politics. This idea got more solidified when I saw him fly off with his Royal Enfield later! To us North Easterns, Royal Enfield is something you see Army People and Police ride most and here was this Grizzly Bear zooming past me. (That Enfield became my couch by next month though)

So, it was not, love at first sight but fear at first sight. I didn’t have the time to contemplate if he was handsome or not. The Kaboom theory got nullified. After a week or so I was showing off my Series watching knowledge with my new buddies, as we had film studies and I somehow had the prescribed films with me. That’s when this Grizzly Bear of a human joined in our conversation. 

Everything crumbled, he was polite to the core, very good storyteller with animated hands and really curious eyes and my lip theory vanished as they were hidden in moustache and beard! When I was propagating How I met Your Mother, he asked if I had watched FRIENDS, and I was like yup and he wanted the complete seasons! Soon I realized this bear was intellectually superior to me and had his own magazine, I also blurted out about my mal-nutrient blog. We all exchanged phone numbers, later in the home I blogged about my university experience and the Grizzly Bear actually read it and suggested I should practice my drawing of hands! And friendship struck us!

My crush on him came much later, nothing was instant, I was just awestruck by this big guy’s brain, he knew a lot and had a clear thought process. He was like the dash of maturity to my happy salad days. The kindness and humility did the magic wand trick, I had a train to catch, the friend I wanted to go with was late. Grizzly Bear was leaving for home and offered to drop me where my friend was. No one, and I mean none has done such kind deed to me, in my college days, I bossed my unwilling male friends to give me a lift. But here was a human who genuinely offered me a lift! Yes, my heart is like a puppy, small actions make me go gaga, it’s the small actions that matter. (After that poor Grizzly Bear had to give me rides for next two years)

Grizzly Bear and my other two close friends were the first friends with whom I ever went watching a movie. That whole group I had, was my group of firsts. Grizzly was that guy who didn’t mind paying for things for all! And I realized I had to fix this gentleman with my own version of feminism. Eventually whenever we went eating out or movie watching I tried my best to split the bill and by the end of our Post-Graduation I raised him well I think. Unknowingly I found this bearded, glasses-wearing intellectual giant easy to talk too. It didn’t take me long to claim the official stamp of crush, and crushing I have been for last three years now! 

My inkling told Grizzly was in relationship, good guys always have sweet girls to make them stable and I didn’t want my stupid crush to ruin this really healthy friendship or hinder his love life, I ain’t no vamp, the bear provided such good suggestions and constructive criticism I didn’t want to risk it. There is always a betrayer and the betrayer is always your closest buddy. So, my dear buddy went ahead and informed Grizzly of my crush! Though my friend swears he did not tell anybody except Grizzly, I am still to find out how my whole batch learned of my sweet puppy love for Grizzly the very next day and gave me mock sympathetic look while Grizzly was as normal as ever talking to me about the latest series he grabbed (the next day was annoying as the curious eyes bored holes at me!)

There are things we girls do, when people tease us about our secret love, we shy and pretend not to know, this ignites more rumours. When it comes to me if people asked me about my crush on this fluffy creature, I would not deny it I would just say “Grizzly is so hot, that I could not help but fall in love with!”  

Grizzly being the gentleman he is, never broke my heart, he hanged out with me despite the kitty walking out of the bag on the roads and my lips, listened to my rants, even asked for my advice when times were hard. People who wanted a drama of my exposed unrequited love soon lost interest. Over the last two years, we have celebrated our friendship and I have not left a single opportunity to make it clear that my love for him is more than friendship and he is fine with it. He knows I do ethical stalking of his Facebook, I save all his WhatsApp Display Pictures, I never fail to like his posts either. (Oh, boy I am a classic case of desperate love ain’t I?) Though eventually I realized why I am not loved back despite Grizzly becoming single after a long time. That epiphanic moment occurred when he uttered “Thanks, Bhai” for some tiny thing I did.

To him, am like the brother he never had, this kind human saw me as a pal, the one you can share your drink, food with and call up at nights to discuss something practically insane. I am the first girl in history to be bhaizoned, despite having an obvious hourglass body of 34-28-34, I was the brother! To him, I was not a girl, but an individual above gender boundaries! We, two brothers, have watched many films together and stumbled into hidden class couples in theaters, drank coffees in every nook and corner, we have shared our love life (my crush life) problems, where he dismantled my other crushes with single statements! The painter with the curly head I drooled on had actually put on a wig, the sculpture I wanted to kiss the hell out smoked bidi, the pottery student had three girlfriends! After all this failed attempts to fall in love the Mills and Boon way, I decided to stay in my comfortable unrequited love zone. 

Though my curly head darling girl friend keeps telling me I have become Grizzly's mother, I guess Oedipus Complex runs deep in us Indians, if my love is motherly, I have no justification for it, but I prefer brother over mother any day.

Like Shahrukh Khan in stupid Ae Dil Hai Mushkil rants “Ek tarfa pyar ki taqat hi kuch aur hoti hai ... auron ke rishton ki tarah yeh do logon mein nahi bat'ti ... sirf mera haq hai ispe” I want to rant something so grand too but I am not so great. I want to possess him, capture him, bewitch him and hide him from the world, my love is selfish, though I want to be all lofty, yet I am puny being in love.

In every long night calls we have had, we have discussed everything from literary history to the taste of coffee the train vendors sell and I think I enjoy the comfort level I have with Grizzly Bear despite us being the ‘couple’ is out of the question! Over the years I also realized he is not a ferocious Grizzly Bear, but an adorable Panda who needs to be loved and I can't stop loving him, I guess that's my useless right.

I have met my Mr. Right, but I am not his Miss. Right, that is something I can live with and not go Crazy like Ranbir Kapoor went, my story might be like 500 Days of Summer or Twenty Seven Dresses. Whenever my best friends ask how’s my love life, my only reply is I am not the Elizabeth Bennet to this Mr. Darcy. Though I hate to spell it but I don’t mind being the Harmoine to this Harry, maybe my Ron is yet to arrive or maybe I am going to be forever in unrequited love or I might just meet him in the Woo App, who knows I never give up on love....

This is where we sit now as friends!

And I had to pen my unrequited love story with my doodles!  

P.S- This blogathon is supported by Woo, The most popular matchmaking app in India with a base of over 3.5 million users.

thanking you to Bear with Me!