Hamlet said ‘Words Words and Words’ I would say Discourse Discourse and Discourses. All of a sudden my life is a reaction that is created between two separating atoms. The Other that was never conscious in me has began to challenge my alter ego. My simple carefree life has become complex all with change of location. I was a female once, I became a feminist female years later, I became an out and proud queer person, I have no accent, I have no mother tongue, I have no location. Am I a cosmopolitan or am I the eternal other that brings chaos to world? I feel like Hamlet a fool on the stage of world theater.
Few days back I called the most important man in my life barking out all my problems and trouble on to his ears. The conversation with him made me realise with each passing day, I am gaining moments of epiphanies. These epiphanies are true to their name, they neither make me happy nor sad. They simply produce another thought process in my mind.
A shared train journey with a similar soul with complimentary and contradictory mind made me see I am never looking for an end. I would prefer a life of a voyeur than talk to the muse I desire. Possession is not for me! I would rather be happy to call my life a collective album of moments which never had happy endings.
A failed love relationship with a north wind knocked of the idea of love from my head. Queerness is ingrained in a particular person, but all relationships in the world are power relations and ‘Gender’ doesn't exist in relationship. Whereas responsibility that comes with love was never meant for me. Bonds are bondage to me. I prefer to be an escapist, a dreamer and a nobody.
No matter what even as a dead poet I can’t please everybody. The text I create with my mind is not mine after I am done penning it. The thoughts I had while writing the piece are worthless when knocking doors of theories. In the end the personal pleasure with which I had penned the work becomes the guinea pigs at hand of theories. We destroy the most important thing about reading- Pleasure!
Ultimately we humans are the only creature who evolved only to realise that this existence is nothing special. Other organism are born, they eat, they grow, they mate, they produce and they die. We do the same only under a complex system of evolution. We are the only creatures who needs words yet are totally incapable of communication.
All of a sudden one's own jokes seems to turn into a topic of debate, while too much of serious talks makes one understand that all we do is BHAT- a new Bangla word I learned. Can be translated as a mixture of stupid, worthless and aimlessness.
Surprisingly today I find everything BHAT!
PS- I was a clown, but today I realise I was a foolish clown
thanking you to bear with me