a terrible painter, a dreamer, a rebel , a feminist and a self certified bisexual Witch. Who is always trying to visualize whats on the other side of the canvas she paints,just another human- Living alive Life. Now also a green tea addict.

Monday, 31 March 2014

The Frustrated me

When I was taught the first alphabets I had realised that education and me we would never be on friendly terms. I learned words, forgot half of them and eventually I was put to most elite school of the city. Among elites I was the fool, I struggled with words their pronunciation and spellings which I still do. I got scolded in class for being inattentive, beaten up in home for returning with half done work. I would get pointed out by teachers for my shitty handwriting which in polite language would be illegible. I always got the highest rank from bottom which often provoked me to hide my marksheets and report card; over all my education life has been a pathetic one except for my wonderful two year stay at BRPL Vid. If I had my way I would erase all my memories till grade fifth.

In less than three months I shall be graduating, if my calculations are right with an average of 8.2 GPA and most probably having a place in top three in my department. When I joined English Honours I dreamt of reading novels and plays and gain some firsthand idea of the basics of literature. Now three years later I feel the dumbest person on earth who had been induced with history without its glamour, stories without its flavour and ideas without its honour. With Masters Entrances knocking at door, my zeal to study has flown away from the window, for last one month I have survived on Anime and stupid useless novels. My creative juices have dried up, my overactive mind has suddenly lost its power supply.

 Why the, in general optimistic me has gone so down the hill. Honestly, I cannot cope up with this faulty curriculum of my stupid university. The idea had been very noble, to experiment on us with Semester System and introducing GPA system which is yet to be explained to us properly. Our course was to be divided to help us in better understanding of the text. Well here we go wrong; our course was to make us feel like the donkey who was lashed everyday for being slow yet was given the load more than he could perceive. In six semesters years of my education our course prescribed us ten plays and five novels and truck load of poems without actually making us learn the ideas and theories first. I don’t find books, if they have prescribed some texts, it costs me a fortune as I am forced to buy every book for one or two chapters, some books are only found in imported edition, by the time I collect all materials two months have died. Now in sixth semester I am bombarded with  miscellaneous ideas from Plato to Culler and I am to evaluate them and write answers for a sixty mark question paper which wastes seven marks deliberately giving us minutely churned out questions which we fail to register as we get so overwhelmed by the size of pregnant course who when goes in her labour will burst her water on me and drown me.

Why am I angry? Now after almost three years the old geezers in the university have realised that our GPA system has some ingrained flaws. First of all, compared to national level my education has not provided me to develop my perspective but to live like a parasite on NOTES. I cannot identify a modern poem from a metaphysical; I get confused with the word Jacobean. What it is the meaning of this education which has made me so dull that it has slowly killed my zeal for literature and different perspective? In their quest to make us tiny Samuel Johnsons they have made us Adam and Eve, who don’t know where to put the use of this so called knowledge.

I am frustrated and it has actually compelled me think of an alternate career plan. But how does one feel when there is no goal to thrive for. Right now my goal is missing and its empty and I don't know what I want any more. To study English Literature was my dream, get graduated with decent degree, than follow it with a Masters from a reputed university and finally perusing my Ph.D. in Queer Literature.  But all this sandcastle dreams I have made are being washed away with the stark reality of the national level competition. When I look at myself three years back I find the dumbest and stupidest person on earth who in fear of wasting one academic year wasted a life time of opportunities by studying in a college she could never come to respect. 

P.S- I have never been so frustrated, confused and alone in my life. I just want to rip out guts of those course makers who think I have brains imported from Krypton. 

thanking you to bear with me


  1. The quest for knowledge could only survive when you have enough free time to ponder and meditate. What you are doing right now is to secure a 'free time zone; for yourself. Nowadays we call it economic independence. Therefore, all those so-called "academic degrees" have been turned into professional degrees. It's not a good idea to expect wisdom from them. Therefore (once again), the idea of pursuing Masters or PhD should be directed to achieve that 'free-zone' where you can have full freedom to work on your own. At that point in future, your hurried present will be of use like the letter learning process: when you learned letters first, you didn't know where they start and where they end, but the subconscious knowledge of ordering them was in play when you re-arranged them later. Yes? So my good blogger, blog in that 'free-zone' first. Good luck. :-)

  2. Try meeting a career counselor or sit down and write your options on a paper. What you need at this time, is de-cluttering of the mind! All the best!